Confessions of a PUA

Stuck in the Stateline Between Cali and Envy

“I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious, “I told my friend from Sacramento.

“Damn man, I wish I could be that bold with someone” he responded.

“I wasn’t trying to be bold; I was just being honest with her. I’d rather tell her the truth now then lie to her and hurt her with false hope.”

“That’s true.”

I’m kind of seeing someone and I’d change my status “It’s Complicated” but that wouldn’t make any sense because it’s not complicated; it’s simple.

I spent the last couple of days with my friend’s family even when he left for Sacramento. In turn, his family eventually asked me if I had a girlfriend.

“Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Well… I’m kind of seeing someone right now” I replied instantly.

“Is she cute?”

“She’s adorable.”

My friend from Sacramento, Matt, is like the brother I already have (haha) and his family is like the second family I never usually have during the holidays.

We spent all our time telling each other our stories of women and had a blast explaining the humorous things we did that they didn’t understand.

“You ever Lion King anyone?’ he asked.

“No, what’s that?”

“Its when she’s giving you head and cum in your hand and you mark her forehead with your thumb and say ‘Simba!’”

“HAHAHA! I’m going to do that. You ever get a bumpkin?”

Later I explained that me and her spent a whole night talking dirty to each other because it was late and we couldn’t do anything about it out of respect to someone. It was one of the best things I’ve ever done that didn’t involve sex.

“We spent the whole night talking dirty to each other.”

“When?”

“Last night.”

“What?!? That was recent?”

“Haha, yeah dude.”

“Why didn’t you just go to your car?”

“I couldn’t. It would have been too obvious.”

“I’ve done it in your house.”

“I know. You’re not the only one. Remember Marvin?”

"So what are we?" She asked in anticipation.
"I don't know" I replied as honest as I could hoping she would believe me.

I was comfortably confuesd because she asked this question. I then tried to explain what I meant in an attempt to be more clear then even I could currently understand.

"Well," I continued, "I want to say I care just as much about you but I can't. I don't know honestly. I can't say that I feel nothing because that would be such a blaintant lie. I just don't know."

I continued to rant in hopes I'd figure it out right then and there, but I didn't. I just managed to sound like a bumbling bafoon. I then tried to use a true analogy of how I felt towards my family. I explained to her how I viewed the death of my father, my brother, and even my mother. I would get over it comfortably after a day or two if it really affected me. The only one person I'd actually miss would be my dog. If she died it would affect me much much longer. I get home sick sometimes mearly because of missing her sent and missing the pant she gives me while I pet her.

Why is it htat I can't feel anymore? Does it have to do anything with my former relationships with people? Has that created some wall? Or was it my new found views on death and spirituallity? I have so many unanswered questions.

I wish I knew, but like my ability to easily not care and get over things too easily, this won't continue to bother me more then when I'm finished writing this.

"I never thought you'd be fucking me" **c**l**

It's funny how things work out. It's winter season. That means it's the season where people start considering relationships because if you don't have anyone to celebrate the holidays with you realize how lonley life could be.

I say it's funny because of how things ended up. I never thought of considering one of my own friends to be this close to being "closer" with. Her name is *i*h*l*e. I like her. I like her a lot. She's everthing I'd want in a girlfriend except one thing and it's a big one. It's the passion to be with her and only her. It's not the same as the sexual passion we have. It's there. It's too readily there. This lust we have for each other makes me a little uncomfortable because I have a lack for caring for her or anyone for that matter.

"I can't say I care about you because I don't know. But to say that I don't would be a lie" I told her.

It was the truth. I was honest. I was laying next to her after she asked me what we were. I want to say more but I can't. I don't know if it's because I'm ready or not. I just know I want to take things slow relationship wise with her. I know I told myself that I wouldn't fuck the next girl I thought would be my girlfriend but I've managed to fuck that up.

I'm starting to grow feelings for her eversince we've been hanging out every weekend with our friends. I wanted to keep things a secret because I don't want our friends thinking things before things could even happen. I'm not quite sure how I feel about her yet. I just hope things work out and that we don't end up not being friends afterwards.

I'm already starting to miss her.

Where are you now?
When I need you the most.
Why don't you take my hand.
I want to be close.
Take my hand and walk with me.

Where are you now?
When nothing's going right.
Where are you now?
I can't see the light.
So take my hand and walk with me.
Show me what to be.
I need you to set me free.

Where are you now?
Now that I'm half grown.
Why are we far apart?
I feel all alone.

Where are you now?
When nothing's going right.
Where are you now?
I can't see the light.